


La Douleur Exquise

by thesammtimes



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 23:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11747577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesammtimes/pseuds/thesammtimes
Summary: La douleur exquise (french): The heartbreaking pain of wanting someone you can’t have.“The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.”





	La Douleur Exquise

You stood in front of the apartment door with bated breath. Were you really doing this? You lifted your fist to knock when the door suddenly swung open, the sunshine smile of the man on the other side made your heart ache with a familiar pang.

“Joonmyeon!” You exhaled his name and he spoke yours with a laugh before enveloping you in a full hug.

“Look at you! All grown up and stuff!” He spoke as he grabbed your suitcase from your hands and led you into his apartment. “Come on, let's get you settled.”

“Thank you again, Joonmyeon. I promise as soon as Monday rolls around I'll be out of your hair.” You told him as you watched him set the bags inside.

He waved you off, “Don't worry about. Stay as long as you need. I have the extra room and we can catch up.” 

You sighed, trying to relieve your body of the nervous bubble that was flittering about your stomach. You were in New York City on business. You were an interior designer and you'd been contracted for a major designing company to help them set up and open a new store in the city. You were scheduled to stay for a month. It was one of the biggest projects you'd taken on in your career and you were elated.

Until you landed on Saturday night and everything went to shit.

The car that picked you up took you to your hotel that you had been instructed was taken care of for the entire month.

Only it wasn't.

You and the receptionist had a long conversation about how no reservations were ever made for you, by the company, or even for a month block on room. You were stranded in downtown Manhattan with nowhere to go. The hotel was booked solid, and the surrounding hotels were also booked unless you wanted to drop $600 plus on a room last minute.

You sat in the hotel’s lobby and tried to maintain your cool, but panic was slowly seeping into your bones. You were from the west coast, you didn't know anyone out here.

Well, except one person. Who you hadn't properly spoken to in 6 years.

It was all too easy to get your mom to hand over Joonmyeon’s number from his mother. The two of them were inseparable, as inseparable as you and Joonmyeon had once been.

The two of you grew up together, your mother’s were best friends. They raised you both as close as siblings and you two had been everything for one another.

Until he went to school for architecture in New York and you went to LA for interior design. Despite technology and your families remaining in the same neighborhood, you'd rarely seen him. 

You noticed his rare social network updates, and you'd heard everything he was up to from the information your mother shared, but you hadn't actually talked to him in person in two years. And even then it was in passing at his family's annual Christmas party.

Looking at him now as he ushered you through his gorgeous apartment to his spare bedroom you almost didn't recognize him. Gone were his boyish looks, unless he smiled. When he smiled you saw the boy who stole your first kiss at eleven, who beat up your bully at twelve, who bought you pads when you started your period once at 16 in the middle of a football game. Without the smile though...he looked...manly.

You were taken aback by how manly. How his muscles were made evident under his rolled up button-down when he picked up your suitcase, how his shoulders were more broad, how his butt filled out his dark pants in the nicest way.

You blinked and swallowed back your arousal. You weren't here for that. Sure, Joonmyeon had sounded more than accommodating when you called him and promptly burst into tears on the phone. You blamed being tired from travel, but his voice was familiar and you were stressed. 

He'd immediately given you his address and told you to come stay with him. No hesitation at all. He was always the kind of person, willing to give someone the shirt off of his back if he could help them.

“I thought we could order pizza and watch movies and catch up tonight. I figured you'd be tired from the flight and I'd love to hear what you've been up to.” He had placed the suitcase in the room down the hall from his own. The enormous queen size bed looked so inviting but you resisted. Instead returning his warm smile, “Well if you talk to your mother at all I'm sure you know more about me than I know about myself.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, our moms are sharers.” His phone began to ring and he excused himself from the room. “I'll order the pizza after this call, go ahead and get settled.” He told you as he slid out of the room.

You flopped onto the bed with a sigh. You just needed to get through the rest of the weekend. Monday morning you could work everything out with the company and get out of his hair. He had moved across the country and lost touch with you, there was no way he was excited about having you crash back into his life.

You opened your suitcase, grateful the fall weather was moving in so that you could shower and slip into an old hoodie and sweats. Pizza and movies was exactly what you needed after a day like today, and you refused to think about how Joonmyeon knew you'd like that best.

He was just being nice.

The shower helped you significantly, and when you walked out to the living room you smelled the delicious aroma of pizza and spotted the boxes in the living room on the coffee table. Next to them was a roll of paper towels and a bottle of red wine. You grinned, ready to indulge on the goodies.

“Oh good, you came out just in time.” Joonmyeon walked out of the kitchen, he was still in his jeans and button down and you immediately felt frumpy in his presence. You frowned and looked down at your hoodie.

Joonmyeon paused as he sat two plates down near the pizzas. “I was just thinking about changing myself.” He noted and you looked up at him in shock.

He laughed, “you still show everything you're thinking, you know that?” He walked past you and playfully tugged at a wet strand of hair hanging past your shoulders before disappearing into his bedroom.

You took the moment alone to grab a slice of pizza, opening the two boxes you saw he got veggie and Hawaiian. The two types the two of you favored in high school. You smiled and grabbed one of each before pouring you each a glass of wine and settling into the leather sofa. You got comfortable and took a huge bite of the pizza and groaned in delight. You were hungrier than you realized.

Joonmyeon came back out of his room in a similar attire to you, sweatpants and a loose t-shirt that did more for telling you how nice his body was than you ever needed to know.

Your face heated when you saw him catch you staring at him. You quickly swallowed your pizza and motioned towards the glass of wine on the table, “I poured you some, hope that's okay.”

He nodded and grabbed his plate and a couple slices of pizza for himself before sitting down next to you on the couch. He clicked on his tv, turning it to a movie channel for something to pay attention to while you both ate.

“So you're here for a month?” He asked you between bites.

You nodded, “I'm helping the new designers at Ashley Stewart put together their new store. If it goes well they may hire me to help them with their next spring line.”

“That's awesome, I knew you were doing interior design stuff, but I guess I didn't realize how much you were doing.”

“I down play a lot to my mom because...well, you've met her. She gives me a big enough head without her having to know how big my projects are.”

“So humble.” He teased.

You snorted and shook your head, “Whatever. How about you Mr. I-designed-a-brand-new-building-in-the-financial-district? Just gonna slide past the fact that you live in a super expensive apartment like you aren't over here making a name for yourself in the big apple?”

He smiled shyly, “Yeah, actually it was three buildings. My mom also receives limited information.”

“You designed three freaking buildings?” You sat up and put your plate down, “Look at you! You should be proud of yourself. You were always good at drawing up those pictures and stuff.” You took a healthy sip of the wine and watched his cheeks tint with a blush.

“I can show you. The buildings. If you want?”

You smiled, “That would be awesome! I'd love to see what you've done!”

He nodded and kept eating. After that, and another glass of wine, the conversation came easy for the two of you. You shared college stories, gossiped about people you graduated with, and began to slowly fill the 6 year gap that sat between you.

You hadn't realized how many hours passed before the pizza and wine were finished and it was nothing but the two of you facing each other on the couch talking. You stifled a yawn and Joonmyeon laughed at you.

“Alright, that's the fifth one in 30 minutes, time to get you into bed.” He stood up and stretched and his shirt rose and exposed a bit of his stomach. You felt your eyes glued to the spot before you mentally slapped yourself and moved to help him take the dinner dishes to the kitchen.

“Tomorrow I'll take you to brunch, there's this great cafe in the park right by one of the buildings I helped build. Sound good?”

You nodded and felt him hovering the spot in the kitchen next to you. “Only if you're sure. I just dropped in unannounced I don't want to make you change plans because of me or anything.”

He shook his head, “You're not. I'm actually really glad you're here. I've missed you.”

The knot in your stomach that had been there since he first opened the door tightened. You didn't like the new adult feelings you were beginning to develop for him. So you pushed it down and away and wished him a good night before retreating to your room.

In the safety of the room with the doors closed and the blankets hiding your face you let your thoughts linger on how grown up Joonmyeon was now. How gorgeous he looked with his fluffy hair and pajamas. And how that tightening in your stomach made you think of lilacs, purple to be exact.

The flower that represented first love.  
_______

The next day Joonmyeon made good on his promise, taking you to a gorgeous cafe that overlooked Central Park. It looked too expensive, but he insisted that he was showing off the city to you and would pay. You made him promise to let you take him out in return once you got settled. 

Walking through Central Park as fall was just beginning to show it’s colors was one of the most beautiful things you’d ever seen. The trees were just hinting that they were going to change colors soon. The sun was warm, but the breeze was soft and cool. You and Joonmyeon chatted as he walked you down one of the paths that walked towards a big open field. He walked you up to the center, and turned you to face the left.

He pointed at a huge skyscraper, it was obvious the building was a newer one, but it still held that old New York feel. You could never really truly appreciate the aspect of the design of a building, but you made yourself look as in awe as you could. You smiled at Joonmyeon, “That’s yours?”

He smiled and nodded, “Yeah, I designed it.”

You grabbed his arm and squeezed it, “That’s so amazing, Myeonnie.” The nickname slipped out naturally, having fallen back into the comfortable way you had been with him years before. You froze after the name left your lips and let go of his arm. “Sorry.”

He grabbed your hand and slid his fingers through your own. He gave you a comforting squeeze, “Don’t be.” The two of you stood in silence for a long moment, taking in your surroundings and enjoying the moment and beautiful weather. “I’m really glad you’re here.” He said quietly. 

You squeezed his hand this time and he began to lead you out of the park, “Me too.” You whispered. The knot in your stomach began to grow into something else. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but you didn’t mind it much. Not when he was holding your hand and smiling at you the way he was. 

Sunday evening found you back in Joonmyeon’s apartment with Chinese takeout and the television on in the background of the two of you laughing and talking together as if no time had passed between you both. 

“Do you remember Yixing?” Joonmyeon asked as he shoved a mouthful of lo mein in his mouth, “He’s here.” He said with his mouth full.

Your eyes widened, “In New York? Do you guys hang out?”

He nodded and you laughed, “Oh my God, I haven’t thought of Yixing in years. We should have dinner together.”

“Do you hang out with anyone from school?”

You shrugged, “I see Chanyeol and Baekhyun sometimes when we end up at home at the same time. Otherwise no, I don’t really see anyone.”

He nodded, “I need to go home more. My mother is starting the whole “when are you getting married” bit though, and it’s hard to deal with.” He frowned at the thought and you laughed.

“Oh man, don’t even get me started on those two and wanting grand kids. You get to hide over on the other coast, remember I live near them.”

He laughed out loud, “I’m sorry. I must admit I selfishly stay here most times to avoid it.”

You threw a pillow at him and he looked at you in shock, “I said sorry!” He whined.

You laughed and kicked him, “You’re so full of shit.”

He joined your laughter and tossed the pillow back at you. His doorbell chimed and you both looked up in confusion. He got up and walked over to his buzzer, “Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s me.” A female voice spoke through the speaker and you saw Joonmyeon go rigid. He looked back at you and made a face you couldn’t quite read. He pressed the button, “Come on up.”

He opened the door and turned to you with a worried look. “Listen, there’s something I haven’t told you. I mean, I wasn’t hiding it, it’s just…”

You stood up, “You have a girlfriend.” He wasn’t the only one who could read into tones and faces.

He nodded, “Sorry, I should have said something. I feel bad, but she’s been calling me all weekend, and…”

You held your hand up, “It’s okay, do you want me to hide or…?” You teased, but there was something happening inside of you, something that you had never experienced before. You couldn’t put your finger on it, but you were sure you weren’t going to keep the Chinese down in a few minutes.

He smiled, “Of course I don’t want you to hide. She knows you’re here.”

She knew. This woman that he never bothered to mention knew who you were, while you were sitting here blind-sided and feeling like you were choking on air.

The knock on the door startled you and Joonmyeon turned to answer it. He was in another set of sweats and t-shirt, you were in your hoodie and sweats again. She walked in, she was in a black pin skirted dress. She was tall, legs for miles, her blond hair was tied up on the top of her hair, her makeup was perfect, her blue eyes sparkled, and you were now definitely certain you were going to vomit. 

“Hi baby!” She greeted Joonmyeon, grabbing his shoulders and pressing a kiss to his lips. When she pulled away she noticed you, you didn’t miss the way her eyes slid up and down your body. 

Joonmyeon whispered something to her before placing a hand on the small of her back and guiding her towards you. You forced a smile on your face as he introduced you both and shook her slender hand. You placed a hand on your stomach inside of your hoodie pocket, trying to keep it together until you could politely leave.

“Joonmyeon told me about what happened with your job! Such a shame they let something like that slide through the cracks.” She shook her head and the way she spoke seemed condescending.

But then again, you knew you were flaming with jealousy at the moment.

“I’m so grateful Joonmyeon was willing to host me for a couple nights. Hopefully I can get everything worked out tomorrow.”

She nodded with a smile, “Yes, hopefully.”

You took the hint. You grabbed your phone from the table and picked up your glass of wine. “I’m exhausted, I think it’s the jet lag. I’m going to turn in early tonight.”

Joonmyeon frowned, “You don’t have to run off on our account.”

You shook your head, “No, I’m not. I swear I’m tired. Thank you for dinner, and it was really nice meeting you. I’ve heard lovely things.” You lied through your teeth, but you didn’t want Joonmyeon to get in trouble for being nice to you. Because that’s all he was doing.

He was just being nice.

You slid into the kitchen before he could argue more and didn’t miss the way his girlfriend pulled him to the couch and ask him about his day. Where he was, why he wasn’t answering his phone.

You washed your dishes and placed the leftovers in the fridge. You grabbed a glass of water to bring with you to your room. You had to walk past them in the living room on your way to the bedroom and you saw from the corner of your eyes her bare legs draped over his lap, his hand high on her thigh, and her pouting face pulling him into another kiss.

You shut the door before you could see more.

You were grateful for Joonmyeon’s huge apartment, that you had your own adjoining bathroom to run to before you threw up your entire dinner in the toilet. You sat there, dry heaving over and over again until you didn’t think your body could physically remove anything else.

Your stomach was twisting and turning and you didn’t know why, maybe the food was bad. You managed to crawl your way into bed before you crashed on the mattress, barely remembering to turn the lights off.  
______

You felt a bit better the next morning when your alarm went off. Although you were pretty sure you would never touch Chinese food again for a long time. You got up and showered and put on your best “first day of work” outfit that you brought with you.

You walked out into the kitchen to make yourself some coffee, but then you spotted high heels and discarded shirt on the floor in the living room. Your stomach twisted and you decided buying breakfast out would be a better option.

You were beyond proud of yourself for navigating your way to a Starbucks, which wasn't all that hard in New York City, and then grabbed a taxi to the location of the Ashley Stewart offices. You half expected the secretary to not know who you were but luckily she did and escorted you to meet your new bosses right away.

“Oh my gosh I just got off of the phone with the hotel I am so sorry!” One of your new bosses, Megan, rushed out as soon as she saw you. “I have no idea what happened I even gave them our confirmation numbers. Were you able to find a place? We will compensate all your expenses this weekend of course. I'm so sorry.” She had led you back to her office where a man was seated and waiting.

“It's okay, I have a good friend in the city and stayed in the spare bedroom. So it worked out just fine.” You told her.

She placed her palm over her heart, “Oh good! I feel just terrible, we are working things out with another hotel the people in the Hilton can shove off.” She gestured to the man, “This is Brian, you two spoke on the phone.”

You nodded, remembering the second boss you now had. “It's a pleasure to meet you in person.”

He stood up and shook your hand, “Likewise. Have a seat, we will go over a few things and find you a desk. And dinner is on Meg and I tonight. We insist, we both feel terrible for the mix up.”

You smiled and sat down, relief began to flood you as you spoke to the two about your passion. It came easy for you, the job was something you liked to do and your bosses were nice. They got you set up at your desk and you were busy through lunch, barely registering your phone vibrating on the desk next to you. Your work tended to suck you in once you had a vision you liked to get the details out as quickly as possible.

“Hello?” You answered the phone without looking at the number, which you immediately regretted.

“What happened to you this morning? I had plans for a big breakfast out but you were gone when I got up.” Joonmyeon’s voice poured through the speaker and your entire body stood on edge with the sound of it.

“Yeah, sorry about that, I woke up early so I figured I would get a head start on work. Plus, it seemed you still had company and I didn’t want to make things weird for you since I’m crashing at your place.” You moved the pen across your desk as you spoke. “My bosses are going to fix that this afternoon, by the way. So you won’t have to worry about having me around soon.”

There was a moment of silence before Joonmyeon cleared his throat and spoke, “You’re not bothering me by being around.” His voice got softer as he spoke, “I really like having you back in my life.”

“I’m not saying I’ll leave your life, but living with you is kind of much don’t you think?”

“We practically lived together our entire lives.”

“Yeah, but we’re adults now. It’s different.” You squeezed your hand into a fist, the knot in your stomach began to spread, rooting itself in the pit and blooming through your organs.

“Okay, well what are you doing for dinner? I want to hear about your first day.”

“I have dinner plans with some people from work.” You told him.

He was quiet again and you felt the weight of his silence through the phone.

“I’ll make sure to come back to the apartment with enough time to talk to you about though.” You finally told him, caving into the guilt you had begun to feel. 

“Okay,” this seemed to perk him up, “I’ll see you tonight. Have a good day, okay?”

“Okay.” You hung up the phone and shoved it back into your purse. You were beginning to notice that the feelings inside of you were happening the most around Joonmyeon. You didn’t know what to think about it or how to react. You turned your attention to work and pushed the pawing thoughts in your mind away.

Your work day ended up flying by, getting paperwork finished and discussing plans and designs with your new coworkers filled the day and you felt more like yourself by the time your day was finished. Dinner with your bosses turned out to be a lot of fun, the three of you got along great and you felt like you could be yourself around them. You took a taxi back to Joonmyeon’s apartment feeling really good about this new job. You knew the month would go well and you’d enjoy working with the people there.

When you walked into Joonmyeon’s apartment you were surprised to find him sitting in the living room waiting for you. He jumped up as soon as you walked in, “How was your day? Was it good? Do you like the people you work with? How about the building?”

You smiled at his excitement and held your hands up, “Hold on mom, let me go change and I’ll come sit here and tell you everything. Promise.”

He sat back down, watching you like a puppy as you slid off your shoes and hung up your purse. You smirked when you passed him, “Myeon, I swear I’ll be right back.”

He blinked before chuckling and leaning back, “Yeah, sorry. I’m just excited.”

You shook your head and walked into the bedroom and grabbed your stomach and tried to get yourself to calm down. You changed into your pajamas and walked back out to the living room where Joonmyeon had opened a bottle of Champagne and poured you each a glass.

“I shouldn’t drink, I think the wine and food messed up my stomach last night,” You told him as you took the glass.

He turned to face you, “A glass won’t hurt.” He told you with a wink before holding the glass up. “A toast to a new job.”

“And a good one at that.” You told him with a smile before you both took a sip. You sat back and pulled your knees to your chest. You began to tell Joonmyeon all about your day, your bosses, your designs, the ideas you had. As it always was with him, everything came naturally falling past your lips. You could talk to him for hours and not even realize how much time had passed. 

Joonmyeon listened to everything you had to say, asking questions and being genuinely happy for you and your new project. You finished off the bottle of champagne together and he told you about how he had a new project come across his desk that morning as well. As the clock in his living room past midnight you decided to call it a night.

“We both have to wake up early tomorrow,” you told him as you sat your glass down.

He nodded, “Are you sure you can’t stay here? I don’t want to be weird and pushy I just...I really love being able to talk to you like this again. And I know we’re adults, but plenty of adult men and women are roommates. And it would save your company money because I’d let you stay for free if you promise to make your mom’s roast every now and then.”

You looked up at him worriedly, “What about your girlfriend? I don’t think she liked having me here last night.”

He shook his head, “Don’t worry about her, it’s my apartment.”

You sighed, “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” The blooming in your stomach was happening again and you were digging your fingers into your palms in order to keep your thoughts straight. He had sat up and scooted close enough to you that your thighs were touching. The contact, even with clothes between, was sending signals to your brain that you couldn’t even begin to deal with.

“How come?” He asked with a pout.

You looked up at him, finding yourself getting lost in his brown eyes. “I just...we’re not kids anymore. A lot changed in 6 years.”

Was it your imagination or did he just brush his legs purposefully against yours, “Like what? I’m me. You’re you. It’s really that simple.”

You shut your eyes, “I wish it was that simple, Myeon. Unfortunately, it’s not. You have a girlfriend and I’m single and she’s never going to like that. Not with how close we are.”

“But there’s nothing to worry about right?” 

There was something in his voice and you opened your eyes to find his watching you intensely. “I...I think there might be.” You whispered quietly, afraid if you admitted it too loud whatever was happening inside of you would come tumbling out of your mouth.

Joonmyeon leaned closer to you, his face was so close to yours that you could smell his aftershave. He ran his nose down yours in the most innocent way, but you knew now what was happening. You had read about this before, but never in a million years thought it would happen to you. He pressed his lips against yours and as you shut your eyes all you could see was lilacs. Light purple and beautiful, swimming through your vision and bursting through your veins. It was like the kiss erupted everything you had been holding in for the last 48 hours. 

You pulled away from him and watched his face change from pure delight to instant regret. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.” He stood up and looked at you with a frown, “Good night.” He rushed off into his bedroom and you were left sitting there feeling like you’d be thrown into a tub of ice.

You felt tears stinging your eyes and an itch in the back of your throat. You started to cough, trying to rid yourself of the itchiness inside. You coughed and coughed until finally you managed to cough up what had caused it.

You stared at your palm in horror as small lilac petals sat in your hand.

Hanahaki disease.  
______

The next morning you were parked at your office before the sun had even begun to rise. You didn’t want to face Joonmyeon after the kiss. You felt weak; physically and emotionally. You pulled up information about Hanahaki disease on your computer at your desk. “The disease of one-sided love”. You scoffed, of course your body would be this dramatic about the entire situation. The problem, you soon discovered, was that without a cure the disease could become fatal. The only known cure was to have the growth inside of you removed surgically. With it’s removal you would lose any and all romantic feelings towards Joonmyeon. For some reason that made you feel nervous. Was romantic feelings all you’d ever had for him? What if you wanted nothing to do with him again after surgery? Were you really ready to cut Myeon out of your life again?

Your cell phone ringing pulled you out of your daze. You glanced down to see it was Joonmyeon. You hesitated, but decided to take the call.

“Hey, I’m glad you picked up. Listen, I’ve got called out of the country for a week on business. I’m literally throwing clothes in a suitcase as we speak. I just wanted you to know.” He paused, and you could hear him zipping what you assumed was his suitcase. “I know last night…” He paused again, “please don’t let that change your mind about staying here. At least...stay until I get back and we can talk?”

You sat there for a moment staring at pictures of the disease on your computer screen. Just the sound of Joonmyeon’s voice was sending the petals in your stomach soaring around and it felt amazing. You sighed, “I don’t know, Myeon.”

“Look, you have the keys. It’s your decision, I trust you to look after the place. I’ll call you when I get back okay?” His voice sounded rushed and you felt saddened that he was ending the call already.

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get back.” You told him, making the promise before you even realized what you were doing.

“Good, I’ll look forward to it.” He told you before hanging up.

You placed your phone down and sighed, at least you had a week to look into everything.

“Oh good you’re here!” Megan’s voice startled you and you quickly closed the tabs on your computer. She didn’t seem to notice as she ushered you out of your desk chair, “Come to my office I’d like to speak with you.”

You followed her back to the room where she closed the door and took a seat at her own desk. You followed suit, sitting in the chair across from her as she placed her phone down and smiled at you. “I’m afraid I have some bad news.” She frowned and shook her head, “This is quite embarrassing actually, but it seems that all the hotels in the area are booked for the next two weeks. There’s a huge show in town and it’s bringing in a lot of tourists.” She sighed and rubbed her temples, “I’ve been on the phone with every agency for days trying to find you a place to stay.”

Inside you were deflating, two weeks? Two weeks of staying in proximity of Joonmyeon? You weren’t sure you could handle it.

“Your friend’s place, is it awfully cramped?” Megan asked you.

You shook your head and put on your best smile, “No, in fact I have my own room. He’s offered to let me stay there, but--”

“Oh that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “Would it be terrible if you stayed there for a bit? I can get you in a room two weeks from now, in fact I’ve already booked it and double checked the confirmation this time around!”

You didn’t see yourself having much of a choice, so you nodded, “Yes. That’s fine.”

Megan smiled broadly, “Excellent! I am so sorry for all of this, thank goodness for your friend.”

“Yeah,” you said a bit sadly, “thank goodness…”  
_____

Entering Joonmyeon’s apartment knowing he wasn’t there left a sour taste in your mouth. Despite his invitation, you felt as though you were intruding and it was unsettling. Regardless, you tossed your purse and keys to the kitchen counter and slipped out of your shoes. 

Your work was keeping you busy, keeping your mind from wandering too far about things that caused the flowers inside of you to twist and turn. You looked inside the refrigerator for something to eat when the front door opening caused you to jump. You turned around and walked out, expecting Joonmyeon to have come back home unexpectedly.

Instead you found his girlfriend. 

She stood in the center of his entranceway, arms crossed over her chest, a sour look on her face. “So you’re still here.”

You swallowed, you didn’t want to cause problems with this girl. You weren’t the confrontational type. “It’s not what you think.” You told her with a what you hoped looked like a friendly smile. 

“Damn right it’s not,” she snapped. So nice was not something she was willing to try. “I just can’t believe he really left you here in his apartment while he was gone. Who do you think you are? You think you can just waltz back into his life and take him back?”

You felt your eyebrows scrunch in confusion, “Take him back? I never had him to begin with.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Whatever. It’s obvious you’re in love with him.”

You felt your face heat up, but you held your ground. “Listen. I know this may make you uncomfortable, I swear I’m trying to get somewhere else to stay. He told me I could stay here while he was gone, but I plan on being out before he gets back.”

She threw her hands to her sides, they were balled in tiny little fists. Despite her small stature, you were slightly concerned she was going to really throw a hit. “Good.” She held up her left hand and smiled in a sinister way. “You know he proposed, right?”

You felt like she knocked the air right out of your lungs. It was one thing knowing he wasn’t yours to have. But knowing he had promised himself forever to someone else...it took you off guard. 

She must have caught it in your gaze because she began to laugh, “I fucking knew it.” She took a step forward. “Listen to me carefully. I plan on keeping Joonmyeon to myself. For as long as I want him. So do us both a favor and get the fuck out of his apartment before he gets back. I don’t care if he begs you to stay, I don’t want you here.” Her eyes slid over your body and she glared harshly. “I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to keep him.” She warned before turning and leaving the apartment before you could even respond.

Your stomach twisted and you ran back into the kitchen, barely making it to the sink before you threw up piles of flower petals into it. You frowned, turning on the water and the garbage disposal to flush them down. 

You weren’t planning on taking Joonmyeon back, but you hadn’t even fathomed he was that serious with his girlfriend. For some reason the heartache was like new. You felt tears stinging your eyes. Why did you have to have him back in your life only to have him so far out of reach? Why did you have to suffer like this?

Your phone began to rang with a number you didn’t recognize. Half expecting it to be his girlfriend, you answered with a shaky breath, “Hello?”

“Hey, beautiful! It’s been awhile.”

You recognized the voice immediately and relief flooded your thoughts. “Yixing!” 

“I snatched your number from Joonmyeon’s phone before he left. Can you believe he was keeping you all to himself in that overpriced mini mansion you’re staying in right now?” He chuckled a bit to himself, as if he had his own secret joke with himself. Yixing was like that, though. Mind always somewhere else. “What are you doing for dinner?” He asked.

You found yourself smiling at the familiarity of him, “I was actually just questioning that myself.”

“Well I have impeccable timing, it seems. I’ll be in front of the building in 30 minutes, dress comfortable.”

He hung up and you followed direction immediately. With your thoughts elsewhere again, the flowers seem to keep themselves at bay. And for now, it was the best you had.  
_____

Yixing looked exactly like he looked in high school. A smile with dimples that made any woman’s heart melt. A body that made any woman’s legs spread. And a personality that made saints look sinful. He was the perfect man. 

You wondered why you couldn’t have fallen in love with him.

“You look great! How’s life in New York so far? How’s your family?” He held your chair out for you as you took a seat before sitting across from you. 

You knew why you couldn’t fall in love with him. Yixing was perfect. Too perfect. Was there such a thing? For you, there was. You would constantly be reminded of how exactly non-perfect you are. Not that he would think that. You often had jealous thoughts of the person who would end up with Yixing. They would be reminded of how perfect he thought they were. And to deserve the love of Yixing, they would be. Perfect. The perfect couple.

“Are you listening to me?” 

You blinked a few times and looked up to see Yixing shaking his head at you as he poured you a glass of wine. “I said I went home a couple of months ago and saw your mother. She’s really proud of you, you know. She told me you were coming here.”

You nodded, “My mother likes to brag, sorry.”

He chuckled, “Don’t be. It’s endearing. Your mother is a lovely woman. I’m a little sad she didn’t tell you I was out here though. I would have loved to be the one you called instead of Joonmyeon.”

It was your turn to laugh as you reached for the glass of wine and took a sip. “Look at you, flirting shamelessly. What the city does to a person.”

He smirked and leaned back in his seat, “It’s good to see you.”

You nodded, the tension leaving your body as easily as the smiles played on Yixing’s lips. “It’s good to see you too, Xing.”

Later that night, and a few glasses of wine later, you were walking through the streets of New York City with Yixing at your side. The two of you walked hand in hand, mostly to hold each other up. You weren’t drunk, but the evening was nice and the alcohol had made you feel warm.

You missed Joonmyeon.

“So, work is great. Home is great. But you haven’t made one mention of a love life.” Yixing mentioned as he pulled you towards a park to walk through.

You grimaced, “Yeah, because there isn’t one.” You gave him a glare, “and you never mentioned anyone either!”

Yixing smiled at you, “I’ve had a romantic life...just not love.”

You nodded, “Well, at least one of us is getting laid.”

“I’ll have sex with you if you want.”

You knew he was half-joking, but you wouldn’t lie and said you were tempted.

“Got someone on your mind?” He asked.

You frowned and looked away.

“Someone I know perhaps?”

You glanced at him, “It’s not going to work out. So...it doesn’t matter.” You almost choked on the last word. Just bringing Joonmyeon up and trying to shut it away made the flowers inside of you churn. You felt the familiar burn in the back of your throat and tried to clear it to push it back down.

“I seriously doubt that,” Yixing continued, not noticing your internal battle. “He’s never serious about any of the girls he’s with. I think he’s always had something for you.”

You began to cough at his words, tears stinging your eyes. Yixing immediately looked at you with concern as you let go of him and took a seat on a bench. You leaned over the bench and threw up. Purple petals pushing past your lips and onto the ground beneath you. 

Yixing gasped behind you and you felt his comforting hand on your back. He whispered your name, but you shook your head and when you finally got yourself together you turned to him with tears in your eyes.

“He’s engaged.”  
“What?” Yixing dropped next to you on the bench.

You nodded, “What am I going to do? The surgery is expensive, and...what if...what if I don’t ever want anything to do with him ever again?” 

Yixing looked at you with a concentrated look, “Your happiness is what matters. Not his.”

You nodded, but sniffed back your tears, “I just don’t know if I’d be that happy without him.”

Yixing pulled you to his side and rubbed your arm gently, “If he’s too stupid to see you.” He broke off and shook his head. “I know someone. A doctor. I’ll give you his number, at least get a consultation okay?”

You nodded. “Please don’t tell him?

Yixing frowned, but nodded. He stood and held his hand out to you, you took it and let him lead you back down the path.  
_____

The week flew by. You were ridiculously busy at work, your designs were getting approved and pushed forward. You were swamped with the amount of things you had to get done, and you were loving every moment of it. Not only were you doing what you loved, living in your dream career and enjoying all of it. But you barely had any time to think of Joonmyeon.

It probably wasn’t healthy, because you were barely sleeping. You stayed scarce amount of time in his apartment, going only to change and shower; and maybe sleep for an hour or two. You were running yourself ragged and you knew it. 

You called Yixing’s doctor friend and received a consultation two days later. The doctor was a nice man, very caring and trying his best to explain how the disease worked and how the surgery worked as well.

“It’s a fairly new disease, there’s still a lot of research as to what is behind it. Everyone responds to the treatment differently. Some people suppress so many emotions when this happens, and after the surgery their feelings towards the person are shut off completely. However, I have seen success stories of the person going back and being friends with the person who their heart once longed for. Because this is an emotional disease it’s hard to pinpoint how someone will react. Do you understand? Some cases have been so dramatic that the person who was on the receiving end of rejection couldn’t handle it. They died from the disease. It’s not safe to stay the way you are right now, that’s for certain.”

You nodded and took all of the pamphlets home with you. You were texting Yixing about the appointment when you entered the apartment and you almost missed the suitcases sitting in the living room. Joonmyeon’s voice rang out through the apartment and he walked out of his bedroom and smiled when he saw you. “Hey! I got home early, what’s wrong you look pale?” His face dropped when he saw you.

You were out of time. You were supposed to have two more days, you hadn’t even found a place to stay. Your stomach began to churn and you felt your throat filling with the dreaded flower petals. You had to hide it from him, but he was walking towards you and blocking your path to your bedroom. You were panicking as you started coughing, your body desperately trying to get the flower out of you. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Joonmyeon asked you as he took your purse from you and sat it on the table.

You tried to push him away, pushing your way into the kitchen and coughing over the sink. You watched in horror as petals filled the chrome sink. There were so many, purple and bright and the sight only made you cough up more. Joonmyeon was behind you, speaking your name soothingly. You listened to his voice fade away as he finally saw what was coming out of your mouth. You couldn’t hide it. He knew. He knew you had this disease and soon he’d know it was because of him. 

You were out of time.

You were beginning to get tunnel vision from dry heaving over the sink. You blinked away the blinking lights in the side of your vision, but it was of no use. You gripped the counter, desperately trying to stay awake. You grabbed Joonmyeon’s arm, “Yixing”, is all you got out before everything went black and you collapsed.  
______

Joonmyeon was in an absolute panic. What the hell was going on? Why were you throwing up flower petals? He picked you up and rushed you to the couch to lay you down. He made sure you were breathing before looking for his phone. He had to call the emergency services, right? What do you tell them? Someone just passed out from throwing up flowers?

In the back of his mind something prickled with recognition, but his panicked state wouldn’t allow him to acknowledge it, and where the fuck was his phone?

He heard a buzzing coming from your purse and immediately turned the brown leather bag upside down until your phone tumbled out onto his kitchen counter. He grabbed the phone and saw the name on the small screen.

Yixing.

Why had you whispered his name before passing out? Joonmyeon blinked at the screen before swiping to answer the phone. “Yixing,” his voice sounded far away, he was never good in emergency situations. “Something's wrong.”

“Where is she?” Yixing immediately responded. 

“She just kept coughing all these purple petals and she passed out, what do I do? Yixing is she okay? What’s going on?”

“Joonmyeon listen to me. Hang up and call an ambulance, we need to make sure she’s got enough fluids in her body. I’m downtown and traffic is a nightmare, I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

Joonmyeon numbly hung up the phone, following Yixing’s directions blindly. He called the emergency services and they asked him if you had taken anything before passing out. He looked through the contents of your purse in search of any pills and found nothing. They told him to sit tight and wait for them to arrive. Joonmyeon hung up and eyed the paperwork he had pulled from your purse. 

His eyes scanned over the Hanahaki Disease pamphlets, and the personal consultation papers you had been given earlier that day. Suddenly his brain connected all of the dots and he stared at it all in shock. 

You were being rejected in love? He thought of how you whispered Yixing’s name and suddenly his entire body filled with anger.

You were in love with Yixing? And he didn’t love you back? How could anyone not love you? You were beautiful, inside and out you were beautiful, how could someone not want you?

He felt his emotions running haywire when the door buzzed and he let the emergency services in. They rushed over to you, checking your vitals and putting an oxygen mask on your face while someone else wheeled in a stretcher. They asked him a thousand questions that he didn’t know the answers to. He realized how little he’d learned about you since you’d come back into his life and guilt flooded through him.

“Can I ride with you?” He asked the paramedics as they strapped you to the stretcher and began to wheel you away.

They said yes and he grabbed his wallet and shoes fast, thinking last minute to grab your purse as well in case they needed more information he didn’t have.

Everything was happening so fast.

The ride in the ambulance was the worst ride of his entire life, he couldn’t even see you, the paramedics were leaning over you. They hooked you up to an IV and kept checking different machines. No one would give him answers and the businessman in him was getting more angry than anything else.

You hadn’t woken up yet. Why weren’t you waking up?

Joonmyeon was coming undone and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

Once the ambulance got to the ER they rushed you away, leaving Joonmyeon with a clipboard of paperwork and a frown on his face. The nurses promised to call him as soon as they knew anything, but right now he needed to let the doctors look you over.

Look you over for what? How bad was this Hanahaki Disease? Is that what the problem was? Why were you so sick from this?

He stared at the paperwork in his lap and watched in confusion as drops of water plopped onto it. He reached up and wiped his eyes, how long had he been crying? He was so overwhelmed and confused.

“Joonmyeon!”

He looked up and saw Yixing walk towards him in the waiting room. He remembered you whispering this man’s name, seeing the paperwork in your purse, having Yixing be the one who was calling you. Anger filled him once again. “You son of a bitch.” Joonmyeon snapped before standing up and marching to up to the man. 

Yixing looked confused for the brief moment he had before Joonmyeon’s fist met his cheek. Yixing fell backwards a few steps and grabbed his face. He shot a look towards Joonmyeon that was full of rage.

“What the fuck was that for?” He shouted.

“Gentlemen!” A nurse appeared next to them both, “Get out of here if you’re going to be fighting. I will have none of that in my waiting room.”

Joonmyeon felt his face heat up, he had forgotten where he was for a second. 

Both men bowed and apologized before Yixing helped Joonmyeon gather the papers up and they sat down.

“I know you’re full of emotion, but what the hell?” Yixing asked as he handed Joonmyeon the papers.

Joonmyeon sat down and buried his face in his hands. “How could you? How could you reject her?”

Yixing scoffed, “What are you talking about?”

Joonmyeon reached over and grabbed your purse, yanking out the paperwork on Hanahaki disease and shoving it at Yixing. “This is why she’s here right? Why she was throwing up flower petals? She mumbled your name before she passed out and then you happen to call her?”

Yixing stared at the papers, flipping through them and scanning the pages and Joonmyeon watched realization crossed over his face. 

“You’re an asshole.” He told his friend, “How could you even reject someone like her?”

Yixing began to look angry and it occurred to Joonmyeon that Yixing was rarely angry. His eyes were dark as they landed on Joonmyeon’s. “You’re the asshole.” He muttered quietly, clearly trying to watch his voice, “I’m not the one who did this to her.”

Joonmyeon was confused, “What?”

Yixing let out a bitter laugh, “Is that why you hit me? You’re calling me a son of a bitch? Do you even know her?” He tossed the papers angrily on Joonmyeon’s lap, “You’re an idiot.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Yixing gave him a scrutinizing look. “You’re the one causing it. You. Not me.”

Joonmyeon was even more confused now, “Me?”

“Of course it’s you, Myeon! It’s always been you! She’s been in love with you forever.”

Joonmyeon shook his head, “That’s not possible.”

“You really are an idiot. And by the way, why didn’t you tell me you proposed to your latest bimbo?”

“Don’t call her that,” Joonmyeon snapped, “and I didn’t propose to her what are you even talking about?”

“She told me your fiance showed up at the apartment threatening her to get out of it and your life. She’s been suffering with this since she showed up at your apartment that day. She told you she didn’t think it was a good idea and you fucking kissed her. Then you ran away and left. It’s your fault, Joonmyeon. You did this to her. Not me.”

Joonmyeon stared at Yixing in shock for a long moment, processing everything he was just told. 

Suddenly the nurse walked in and called your name and both men looked up. “You can go back now.”

Joonmyeon felt sick. He did this to you? He was the reason you were in the hospital. Yixing stood up to follow the nurse, but Joonmyeon stayed seated.

“What are you doing? Let’s go.”

Joonmyeon shook his head, “You’re right. I’m an asshole.”

Yixing sighed, “We’re stressed about her being sick, Myeon. You didn’t know, but you know now. You can fix this.”

Joonmyeon looked up at Yixing with a frown, “No I can’t. She’s sick because of me, but if she gets this surgery….will she be better?”

Yixing looked down at his friend with sad eyes, “That’s not for me to determine, Joonmyeon. But you can talk about it...together.”

Joonmyeon sighed, “No, I put her here. I...I can’t see her.”

“Joonmyeon.”

He stood up and shoved the bag in Yixing’s arms, “I don’t deserve her, Yixing. I don’t deserve to see her. Just...take care of her.”

“Joonmyeon, you’re so stupid.”

Joonmyeon laughed sadly, “I know. But I just...I can’t.” He walked past the nurse towards the exit. His mind was racing, his emotions were out of control. He needed to think. He needed to process everything that just happened in only a few hours. 

He needed a drink.  
_____

Your eyes blinked open, sensitive to the blinding light reflecting off of the white hospital walls. You tried to take in your surroundings, you were on a bed, you had an IV in your arm, and oxygen in your nose. You looked next to your bed and saw Yixing seated on a chair watching you. He smiled softly, “Hey beautiful.”

You frowned, blinking a few times. “What are you doing here?” You asked him. As the memories of how you ended up here came flooding back. You remembered Joonmyeon being home when you got there and throwing up in front of him.

Yixing frowned, “I called you after work today to check on you, Joonmyeon answered your phone and told me what happened.”

You sighed, “So...he knows…?”

He nodded, standing up he came over to the bed and perched on the side of it. You felt the warmth of his hand in yours. “He actually thought it was me, at first.”

You scrunched your face in confusion, “You?”

He nodded, “You said my name before you passed out?”

You suddenly remembered, “Oh. It was because you knew about it.”

“I figured as much, but Joonmyeon totally punched me in the face.”

You gasped, “Oh my God! Are you okay?” Your eyes scanned over his face and finally noticed his reddened cheek. You reached out to caress gently. 

He smiled softly and nodded, “Yeah, I told him everything. I’m sorry, I know it's not my place to tell him, but I got kind of upset.” He took your hand back into his and rubbed it softly. 

“It’s okay, he needed to know, I guess.” You sighed, “but if you told him...where is he?”

Yixing looked nervous, “He...he felt really guilty that you ended up in the hospital. He didn’t know what to do and he...he left.” 

You tried to process this information, he felt guilty and left you here alone? The doctors had given you medicine to keep the disease at bay so your body could rest, but you still felt the stinging sadness of rejection deep in your stomach. 

“I’m sorry.” Yixing suddenly spoke, squeezing your hand. “You don’t deserve this.”

You shook your head, “It’s not his fault. I should have told him.” You felt tears stinging your eyes, “Yixing...can you get the doctor? I want to schedule the surgery.”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded, swallowing back your emotions, “I can’t be like this anymore.” You looked up at your friend, “And Yixing...can you stay with me? I know that’s a lot to ask of you, but--”

Yixing cut you off by leaning down and pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I’ll be right by your side the entire time, promise.”

You smiled as much as you could, “The world doesn’t deserve you, Xing. I don’t deserve you.”

He stood up and winked, “I know. I’m going to go tell the nurse you want to see the doctor, okay?”

You nodded and shut your eyes when Yixing left the room. You were grateful for the medicine, it seemed to numb you a bit and you really just wanted to be numb for awhile.  
______

Stumbling into his apartment, Joonmyeon felt the warmth of the liquor he drank rush through his bloodstream happily. It numbed him in a way that helped his heavy heart begin to feel light again. He slid off his shoes and clicked on the light. He noticed a pair of your shoes on the floor and smiled to himself. He liked seeing them there.

So why was he drunk in his apartment instead of at the hospital with you?

The thought befuddled his drunken mind and he frowned deeply. 

“Joonmyeon.”

He jumped at the voice of his girlfriend and turned to look at her sitting on his couch.

“What are you doing here?” He asked her immediately.

She looked angry, “Are you drunk? Where were you?”

He scrunched his face in confusion, “Why does it matter?” He tried to brush her off and head to his kitchen. He needed coffee. Or water. Or both.

“We had plans tonight, or do you not remember? You know, ever since she came back into your life you’ve been distant from me.”

He sighed deeply, “You’re being dramatic. And I am drunk. Too drunk to deal with you.”

That was the wrong thing to say, apparently, as she came walking towards him quickly, causing him to stumbled back into the kitchen.

“Dramatic? Dramatic? We’ve been together for over a year and you’ve yet to propose to me, Joonmyeon. What is this? Do you even want to be with me?” She asked him, her eyes wide and frightening.

Joonmyeon blinked at her, a response not coming to him. 

She scoffed, “I fucking knew it.”

He sighed again, “You knew what?”

“You love her.”

He laughed and turned his attention back to pouring himself a glass of water. He grabbed a glass and placed it on the counter. “You’re absurd.”

She chuckled lowly, “For someone so incredibly smart, you’re acting incredibly dense.”

Joonmyeon shot her a glare, “I am not.” He grabbed the glass and shoved it under the faucet, not able to think far enough on how else to get water in his body. He gulped the liquid down and tried desperately to think clearly.

“You don’t even see the way you look at her. The way you’ve changed since she’s been here.”

“It hasn’t even been a month!” He snapped. “You’re so ridiculous, I was gone all week how could I have done anything with her? Do I have feelings for her? Of course, she was my best fucking friend, but stop sitting here and trying to paint me as some ignorant man who can’t get his own feelings straight!”

She crossed her arms over her chest, “So then answer my question!”

He put his hands over his face and growled in annoyance, “What question?” He snapped.

“Do you love me? Do you want to be with me?”

“That’s two questions. And no. I don’t.” His drunken mind answered so quickly for him and the surprise was evident on his face. He was right, he didn’t love her. He didn’t want to be with her. She was beautiful and an easy lay, and that was all she’d ever been. When had he become so shallow?

She looked hurt, and he didn’t blame her. The sober him would be angry for the way he was dealing with this entire situation. However, he wasn’t sober, and he desperately needed to pee and go to bed.

“Fine. I see.” She finally spoke when she realized he wasn’t going to take the words back. She turned to leave and he noticed her shoes were still on. You never left your shoes on, you always took them off.

“I’m sorry.” He finally made himself open his mouth and be at least a little caring about the entire thing.

She stopped and he noticed her tears, “I know. I knew you stopped caring early on. I guess I had just hoped you…” Her voice broke and she shook her head, “Goodbye, Joonmyeon.” She walked to the door, pulling it open she looked back at him. “Don’t be an idiot with her too.” Her voice was barely audible, but he heard it. He heard it loud and clear.

He didn’t remember undressing or getting into the bed, but he knew he ended up in your bed, it smelled like you.   
______

Joonmyeon woke up with his head pounding and his phone buzzing annoyingly in right pocket. He groaned and fished it out before swiping the answer button and pressing the receiver to his ear. “What.” He barked out.

“I’d be sorry I woke you up, probably hungover, but I’m not.” Yixing answered smartly

Joonmyeon rolled over and tried to get his eyes to adjust to the light pouring through the bedroom windows. Why was he in your bed?

“What do you want?” He asked his friend.

“I need to talk to you about...her situation.” Yixing paused, Joonmyeon heard some shuffling and what sounded like a door shutting.

“Where are you?” He asked Yixing.

“I’m home, why?” His response was sharp, and Joonmyeon could hear the judgement in it.

“Nevermind...what do you need to tell me?” Joonmyeon asked.

Yixing sighed, “She’s getting the surgery, to cure the disease.”

Joonmyeon’s heart began to pound a little harder in his chest. “What does that mean?”

“The surgeons are still learning about the disease, but it basically means that she will lose her feelings for you.” There was a pause, “all of her feelings.”

Joonmyeon rubbed his eyes and tried desperately to ignore the blinding pain that was throbbing behind them. “What does that mean, Yixing?”

Yixing let out a noise of annoyance, “She’s probably going to want nothing to do with you.”

“Isn’t that for the better?” Joonmyeon asked him.

There was a pause. “Honestly, after how you’ve been acting for the last 24 hours I want to say yes.”

“Yixing…”

“I can’t tell you what to feel, Myeon. All I can tell you is that I think you’re being a fucking idiot. She loves you, and you obviously love her. So what the hell are you doing hungover in your apartment when you could be there confessing to her and winning her over?”

Joonmyeon blinked, “I...I don’t really know.” He sighed and buried his face in one of the pillows, he was a fucking idiot.

“Get in the shower and get over there and talk to her.” Yixing told him. “It’s the least you could do after years of friendship.”

Joonmyeon hung up and clamored into the shower, following Yixing’s commands. As the hot water ran down his body he contemplated why he panicked in such a way. He didn’t want to hurt you, and he tended to hurt everyone he was with. It was why he moved so far away in the first place.

He got dressed and headed to the hospital, he was still conflicted, but Yixing was right. He needed to be an adult about this and just talk to you.   
______

It was easy enough getting to the hospital, despite the typical New York traffic. Joonmyeon felt his stomach tighten as he parked and headed inside. He found the floor you were on and as he walked up he noticed the door cracked with the doctor inside at the foot of your bed.

“We can fit you in as early as this afternoon, the surgeon’s last patient cancelled on him. Of course, you have some time to think about it, but if you want to do it today let me know as soon as possible.” There was some shuffling of paperwork, “You know the risks of the surgery, but it will take away the effects of the disease. You will lose your feelings towards the person who is rejecting you.”

The words hit Joonmyeon like a ton of bricks. The person rejecting her; him. He was rejecting her, and causing her to be in this pain and discomfort. 

The doctor walked out of the room, stopping slightly at the sight of Joonmyeon. He gave him a slight nod before walking back down the hallway, dropping your file into the slot outside of your door on his way out.

Joonmyeon took a shaky breath before walking into the room. The sight of you in the bed made his heart ache. When you looked up and saw him he watched your face bloom a bright pink; Yixing must have told you everything. He was too pure for his own good, that Yixing.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, trying to make the smile on his face not look forced and awkward.

“Hey,” you answered dryly. 

“How are you feeling?” Stupid question. He immediately regretted it. Why was he suddenly like this?

You frowned, “I've been better.”

He sighed and gestured to the seat next to your bed, “do you mind?”

You shook your head, “It's fine I guess.”

He walked over and sat down. Your hands were in your lap and he desperately wanted to hold one. He looked back up to you with a serious face, “I want to talk to you about why you're in here.” 

You shook your head, “You really don't have to, it’s fine.”

He shook his head, “It’s not fine. You're in here because of me.”

You looked angry, “If you're here out of guilt please do me a favor and just leave. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, I can get better. I will get better. So just do us both a favor and forget whatever speech you planned. I'll be fine.”

Joonmyeon frowned, “I'm not here out of guilt. I mean, I feel guilty, but that's not why I'm going to say what I want to say to you.”

Your nose scrunched in confusion and Joonmyeon’s heart thumped at the sight of it. “What do you mean?”

Joonmyeon hesitated a moment before reaching over and grabbing your hand. It was soft and warm and he suddenly remembered walking home with you in elementary school. He'd hold your hand, a claim to be your protector and keep you safe. He promised you he always would. He'd failed miserably at that hadn't he?

“I'm not good at being in relationships.” He spoke and when he saw your face he grimaced. “Please hear me out.”

Your scowl softened and he continued, “I'm not good at relationships. I have this subconscious way of pushing people away. I don't know why. My parents always acted happy in front of us kids, but they fought a lot. And both of them cheated on one another.”

Your intake of breath made him look up and your eyes were on his. “I never knew that,” you whispered.

“I never told anyone.” He admitted. “And I guess keeping that in and building some weird wall around my heart was how I dealt with it. I ran. I ran away from that house, but mostly I ran away from you.” He ran his thumb over your wrist and stared down at your clasped hands, too afraid to see your reaction to his words. “I think a part of me always loved you. I mean, of course I loved you, you were my best friend. But a part of me, deep down I always truly loved you and wanted you all to myself. And that scared me. I wanted to go away and make something of myself, but when I came back you'd gone off and become this amazing person and I felt I'd only hold you back. I never felt deserving of you. I wanted to protect you and be someone that was a safety net for you. But the truth is you were mine. You always kept me grounded and had this way of putting me at ease. When I saw you again a couple of weeks ago the flood of emotions that went through me confused me. I'm not a hormonal teenager anymore and yet I could barely keep myself from ripping your clothes off and taking you on my couch. You have awakened something inside of me that shook me to my core.” He finally got the courage to look up at you, only to see tears running down your face. “I'm a coward. But you deserve to know the truth. I love you. I could never reject you. The kiss was something I wanted to do, but I knew I had to get my own personal life in order before infringing on yours. I handled everything so poorly and I'm so sorry.” He reached out and wiped the tears off of your cheeks. “If you'll have me, I promise to stop being afraid. I promise the walls will come down. You're all I've ever wanted and I love you so much.”

It was clear your emotions were overwhelming you as you tried desperately to stop the tears. You wiped at your face and let out a bit of a laugh, “you have the worst timing.”

He smiled for the first time that day, “I know. I'll work on that too.” He told you.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath and when you opened them again Joonmyeon got a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I need some time, Myeon. I need to get my head wrapped around this. Because I don't know if I'd survive you breaking my heart.”

He nodded, how could he tell you no? He was the reason you were there and to know there was an option to remove your feelings from him. The toxic emotions he'd caused you would be gone forever.

He'd need time too.

He stood up and hesitated again before leaning down and kissing your damp cheek. “I'll go back to the apartment and wait. Whatever decision you make...your happiness is all that matters to me.” He ran his fingers through your hair before shuffling out of the room numbly.

He'd never put himself in such a vulnerable position before in his life. He felt relieved and sick all at once, but he knew he'd finally done something right. Because he meant it, your happiness mattered most to him, even if it meant breaking his heart too.  
_____

Your head was spinning. 

Joonmyeon wanted you. He loved you. 

But what if he was only feeling these things because of your disease? What if these feelings were fleeting?

“That's the risk of love.” Yixing told you, having come in for his lunch break. You'd immediately spilled your guts, telling him everything. “I don't think anyone can ever guarantee that feeling is going to stay forever. Love is hard work, it's committing to being loving to someone even on the bad days. It's committing to trying and to staying. But love is a risk, it will always be a risk. Love is trust.”

You let his words sink in. “Since when are you an expert?” You teased him.

He chuckled, “I'm not, but my parents are.”

You nodded and let out a wavering sigh, “Is this a risk I'm willing to take?” You asked him.

He shook his head, “I can't answer that for you, but I think your heart already knows the answer.”

You groaned and nodded, “You're right. When did you get so mature and therapeutic?”

He grinned, “I've always been mature.”

You snorted, “Yeah right.” You paused for a moment before reaching out and grabbing his hand. “Thank you for being such a good friend, Yixing. I love you.”

He kissed the top of your hand, “I love you too.”

You were discharged by 5 in the evening, paperwork completed and your body feeling better than it had in a long time. You had made your decision.

You took the elevator up to Joonmyeon’s floor and headed down the hallway to his door. You had the key in your hand, but chose to knock. You didn't want to surprise him, you still felt as though you should treat his apartment as a guest.

When he opened the door his eyes lit up at the sight of you. “Look at you,” he spoke softly, “you look bright-eyed.”

You nodded, returning his smile. He let you inside and you slipped your shoes off and sat on the couch, Joonmyeon following suit.

“How are you feeling?” He asked you.

“Better than I have in a long time.” You told him honestly, “I did a lot of thinking after you left.”

He swallowed nervously, “You did?”

“I did.” You reached out and grabbed his hand, “and I decided that I wanted to take the risk. I wanted to take the risk of love...with you.”

The smile that spread across Joonmyeon’s face was brilliant and without another breath he leaned forward and kissed you. 

The kiss was electrifying. All of the emotions you both felt for each other poured out into the kiss. You'd never felt this way kissing a man before. Joonmyeon made you want more and more and before you knew it you were crawling into his lap and straddling his waist.

His arms circled around you and he pulled away to catch his breath. He kissed your chin and pressed his head against yours. “I love you. We don't have to rush into anything, I need you to know that.”

You grinned and pecked a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Joonmyeon, we've known each other for a long time. None of this is rushed.” Your fingers played with the soft fabric of his t-shirt and you felt his hands tighten into fists in the fabric of yours.

“I know, but the relationship part is new.” You began kissing his neck and he was losing his focus. “I don't want to hurt you. I want to go at your--” You had bit down on his earlobe and suddenly he tossed you to the side of the couch. Laying over top of you he looked down at you with a smoldering gaze. “Play fair, I'm trying to be serious.” He scolded.

You couldn't help but giggle at him, “I know, and I appreciate it. I really do, Myeon. But we are both grown ups and we know what comes next.”

His smile was slow and sinister and he nodded, “Just so we're clear, you're giving me the green light?”

You sat up slightly to kiss him again, slow and sensual with too much tongue because you were beyond ready to give it to him. “Green light.” You murmured when you pulled away.

You would have laughed at the fury of Joonmyeon ripping off his shirt and kissing you, had you not seen the incredible body he was hiding beneath it. Your fingers explored the taut flesh as his tongue explored your mouth. It was like you were both teenagers once again, crazy for each other but more crazy about getting naked.

Your shirt soon followed Joonmyeon’s to the floor and then your pants and panties. His hands were like silk as they fluttered over your stomach and between your legs. You were in another world, lost completely in him and his body. His fingers teased your clit and you got your bra off and left your breasts bare for his mouth to find.

He teased you with vicious looks and lavished your body until you were literally panting beneath him. “Take your pants off,” you told him with a weak shove at his shoulders. You couldn't wait any longer, kissing and petting was great but you want him; badly.

He sat back on the couch and pushed his pants down his body, kicking them off of his legs. You sat up on your knees and bent forward, taking his erection in your mouth and pumping it slowly. You listened to his intake of breath as soon as your tongue touched him and you reveled at the noises you could get him to make.

After a few good pumps and licks you sat up and straddled his lap once again. Your hands held onto his shoulders, you shut your eyes, and you sunk down onto his cock until he was filling you completely. You shuddered and your fingers dig into his skin at the feeling of having him inside of you. 

When you opened your eyes again he was watching you. His eyes were dark and you loved that you could get lost in their deep brown hues. He had a lazy smile on his lips and you blushed at the sudden intimacy of the moment.

His warm hands caressed your hips and he lifted you to slowly move in and out of you. You bit your bottom lip and whimpered, your fingers tangled into his hair as the two of you continued holding each other’s gazes.

There was something very raw and erotic as you made love while holding such intense eye contact. You could feel your body heating up all over, the sweet feeling of your climax building up. A moan escaped past your lips and you gripped his hair and pulled him in for a heated kiss. 

You listened to him groan into your mouth and you bit his bottom lip and sucked it gently. His noises only brought you closer to your end. When you pulled away he smiled gently and kissed you again. 

You moaned his name, “I’m so close.” You whimpered.

He thrust up harder into you and you felt his lips on your neck. He bit down on the soft skin and your nails dug harder into his skin. “I’m--” You couldn’t even get a sentence out as the feeling of euphoria washed over you. 

“Fuck,” Joonmyeon let out a moan, “that’s it, cum on, baby.”

You shuddered on top of him until you couldn’t move on your own anymore You felt his fingers dig into your skin as he met his own release with you. 

As you both came down from your highs you rested your chin on his shoulder and sighed happily. Joonmyeon scooped you tighter into his arms and stood up from the couch. He carried you into his bedroom and laid you down on his bed before climbing into the bed with you. You rolled over and buried your face into his neck again.

“How are you feeling?” He asked you quietly, his fingers running up and down the skin of your back.

It dawned on you that you hadn’t even thought about your disease since you walked through the door. With your eyes closed you thought about your body and all you could feel was the sated happiness of finally being with Joonmyeon. “I feel so great,” you admitted to him out loud.

He pulled you closer to him, your bodies flushed together as he pressed his lips to yours. “I’m so glad.” He told you. “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I was so stupid and didn’t realize how much I loved you.”

You giggled and kissed him back, “it’s okay. I love you too, Joonmyeon.”

You both settled back into sleep and you realized you’d never felt better. Your body felt like it was blooming in sunlight and happiness and you realized that purple lilies weren’t your least favorite flower; but your favorite.


End file.
